irreverant humour aka jokes page

some light banter saw the funny bone exercised in a thread on here so I thought ..its time for a jokes thread... WARNING satire, sarcasm and humour verging on un PC may be present. do not look if your easily offended .... if you need a laugh by all means WELCOME

What's got 9 arms and sucks = Def leopard

I was having trouble with my computer, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.
Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error?
What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Eric grinned... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'
'No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like Eric...

EXERCISES FOR PEOPLE OVER 50 (and VMXers of any age):
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks.

Then try 50-lb. potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

Paddy met Mick in the street and Mick said; 'Paddy, will you draw your bedroom curtains before making love to your wife in future?'

'Why?' Paddy asked.

'Because,' said Mick, 'all the street was laughing when they saw you making love yesterday.'

'Silly buggers,' Paddy said, 'the laugh's on them. I wasn't even home yesterday.'

boom Tish!

1 more for today...

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.


7. IF YOU CAN 'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.



DAILY THOUGHT: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

Question:why did the duck eat the dog food?.
Answer:because it was hungry.

I'm speechless- crazy Aussies on the loose

eh, we are kind of used to them around here..they arent that bad!

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?

He would lay awake at night wondering if there really was a dog.

What did the fish say when he swam into a big wall......

Thats the best joke I've heard in a while

I lead a sheltered life...

Protest march:

"WHAT DO WE WANT..A CURE FOR TOURRETTES"

"WHEN DO WE WANT iT C*#T!.

So a dyslexic walks into a bra...

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with The devil...
Satan: 'Why so glum?'
Guy: 'What do you think? I'm in hell!'
Satan: 'Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of Fun down here.
You a drinking man?'
Guy: 'Sure, I love to drink.'
Satan: 'Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab and Fresca.
We drink 'til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And You don't have to worry about getting a hangover, Because you're dead anyway.'
Guy: 'Gee that sounds great!'
Satan: 'You a smoker?'
Guy: 'You better believe it'
Satan: 'All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We Get the finest cigars from all over the world, and Smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, You're already dead, remember?'
Guy: 'Wow...that's awesome!'
Satan: 'I bet you like to gamble.'
Guy: 'Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do.'
Satan: 'Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you Want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, Whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, You're dead anyhow.'
Guy: 'Cool!'
Satan: 'What about drugs?'
Guy: 'Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't Mean...?'
Satan: 'That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help Yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke A doobie the size of a submarine.
You can do all the Drugs you want. You're dead so who cares.'
Guy: 'Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool Place!'
Satan: 'You gay?'
Guy: 'No...'

Satan: 'Oooo, Fridays are gonna be tough...'

A blonde pushes her Maico into the bike shop. She tells the mechanic, "It won't start."

After he works on it for a few minutes, it starts and is idling smoothly.

She says, "Well?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."

She says, "How often do I have to do that?"

Last one....
A bloke wins the lottery and decides to buy himself a Harley Davidson, he goes down to his local bike shop and after purchasing a top of the range bike, the owner of the shop tells him to coat the bike in Vaseline every time it looks like raining. That night he goes and picks his girlfriend up on his new toy and heads over to her parents house for the first time. As they arrive there, she explains to him that whenever they have dinner, don't talk.
"If you talk," she tells him, "you have to do the pots." The man is astounded as he walks into the house as it is a complete mess. Anyway, the family all sit down for dinner not saying a word. The man decides to take advantage of the situation by groping his girlfriend's tits, yet there is not a sound from anyone.
So he decides to shag his bird on the table, and still there is not a word. He then proceeds to do his girlfriend's mum over the table, but still, amazingly, there's not a word from anyone. Just at that moment he notices the rain on the kitchen window and remembers his precious motorbike, so he reaches into his pocket and flops the Vaseline out.
At which point his girlfriend's dad leaps up and shouts, "Okay! Okay! I'll do the forking pots!"

Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him,& during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex,
"Tarzan not know sex",he repiled,Jane explained to him what sex was!,
Tarzan repied,"oh......Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree",
horrified, Jane said,"Tarzan,you have it all wrong,but i will show you how to do it properly"
she took off her clothing,& lay down on the ground,"Here " she said,pointing to her privates,"you must put it in here"
tarzan removed his loincloth,showing Jane his considerable manhood,stepped closer to her,& kicked her in the crotch!,
Jane rolled about in agony for what seemed an eternity,
Eventually she managed to gasp for air,& screamed,"What did you do that for"
Tarzan replied
"just checking for squirrel"

todays gem...

bloke calls his mate, a Cowboy, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.Cowboy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'
'That's easy; he's a Dwarf with a speech impediment.'

So, the Dwarf shows up and the Cowboy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.
'A female horth.'
So he shows him a prized filly.

'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?'
So the he picks up the Dwarf and the little fella gives the horse's eyes the once over.

'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?'
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

'Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?'
Old mate is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

'Nice mouf, can I see her twat?'
"What??!!" says the Cowboy.
Totally mad at this point, he grabs the Dwarf under the arms and rams his head up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
'Perhapth I should rephrathe that... can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?'